It All Started...

This Is My Life, Rated
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For You, I Will (Confidence)
by: Teddy Geiger

Wandering the streets in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be
Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair 'round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you
Oh, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
Cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster up every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will
Forgive me if I stutter from all of the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a waterbed
Do I seem familiar
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage I want to be exposed and not be afraid to fall
Oh, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
Cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster up every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'll muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will
If I could the lights in the mall and create a mood
I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room
I would
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
To get through to you, yeah
Muster every ounce of confidence I have
Cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'll muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will
For you I will


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa,

I realize that many people are going to read this, or rather those that have friended me or vice versa, but I wanted to let you know that i'm becoming unafraid. Unafraid to let you in, and fill my being with the warmth that you provide in every moment that we're together. I'm becoming unafraid to share with you my painful past, and to grow with you as a couple. I'll sacrifice whatever you need me to, all I ask is for your patience and understanding, and above all your support as I go through what it is i'm going through. I love you. I love you more then I have ever loved another human being. You're my world, my heart, my soul, my everything, and I would die for you if I knew it'd make you see the amount of love I have for you. I'm proud to be able to say i'm your "wife" even if we only have a piece of paper stating "domestic partnership". In my heart we've been married lifetimes, and no piece of paper can ratify or nullify my feelings for you. I'll shout it on the rooftops and to every person I come in contact with. MY HEART IS YOURS, you're the one I want for a million years and loving you is just like breathing. It's easy, and it's calm, and it feels so amazingly wonderful. In my world you are the only wonder. No "7 wonders of world" or "8 wonders" my love, just you.

I'll love you until the day I die and beyond,
Yours forever,
Heather.

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Heather Na'Koal Zeissler
Birth place: Blountstown, Florida (a.k.a. the middle of nowhere.)
Current Location: Hammond, Indiana. (a.k.a. the middle of somewhere.)
Eye Color: Aqua Marine. (a.k.a. blue with a little green.)
Hair Color: Dishwater Blonde. (who ever came up with this color?)
Righty or Lefty: Righty Tighty.
Zodiac Sign: Libra.

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: German and English.
What shoes did you wear today?: Black Vans with light blue stripe on the side. (note to self: buy new boots.)
Fears: Dying, and not knowing what's next. A woman getting into my head, and making me vulnerable. Creepy Crawlies.
Your perfect pizza: I'm a pepperoni and cheese girl.
Goal you'd like to achieve in life: By the age of 30 i'd love to be into my career as a Psychiatrist, pursuing my Ph.D.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase: Hells to the No.
Your best physical feature: My eyes, and ass. (laughs. I have a nice ass.)
Your bedtime: Usually it fluctuates. If I feel like sleeping during the day, then I lay down and take a nap.
Your most missed memory: Spending time with my neice and nephew. Hearing my nephew call me Aunt Heather, and I when I ask them, "Who loves Aunt Heather?" Him raising his hand and saying loudly, "I do! I do!"

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Sadly, Coke.
McDonald's or Burger King: Depends on my mood. BK is a more likely candidate. McDonalds' in this area are very sloppy.
Single or group dates: Single, sometimes group. Depends on the situation.
Adidas or Nike: Adidas.
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Sweet Southern Ice Tea with... Lipton.
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate.
Cappuccino or coffee: Iced Coffee.

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: If i'm stressed enough. Usually maybe once a month.
Take a shower: Absofuckinglutely. A girl that doesn't shower is N-A-S-T-I-E.
Have a crush(es): Maybe.
Think you've been in love: Maybe.
Like(d) high school: Not really, I came out in a small town with narrowminded rednecks. You do the math.
Believe in yourself: Not really, I mean I try to, but I don't know.
Get motion sickness: Not really...I like lots of motion. ;)
Think you're a health freak: To a degree. I love being clean and I love my partner being clean.
Get along with your parents: I get along with my Mother alot more then my father. My father is more of a religious zealot that likes to push religion on me, and informs of my shortcomings.
Like thunderstorms: I like the excitement of them.

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: Maybe a little bit.
Gone to the mall: Yep.
Been on stage: I wish...
Eaten Sushi: Oh yeah. Sushi = Love.
Been dumped: Ha. Yep.
Gone skinny dippin: Does taking a bath count?
Dyed your hair: Hell no. I'm natural. However, I would love some highlights...

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: I'll never tell...
Gotten beaten up: In Kindergarden by a black girl that didn't like me, but turned out to be a good friend.
Changed who you were to fit in: I change for no one.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: Is there really an age you decide to get married? I'm domestically partnered as of now, but I think it's something both you and your partner decide to do, regardless of age.
How do you want to die: In someones arms, crying.

LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY
Best eye color?: Green.
Best hair color?: Brunette or multi-colored.
Short or long hair: Long.
Height: 5'5" - 6'0". (a little shorter or a little taller.)
Best first date location: Picnic on a beach or a walk on the beach at night, getting to know eachother.
Articles of clothing: I don't judge based on clothing. If you feel comfortable in what you're wearing, then who am I to judge?

LAYER TEN: UR NUMBERS
Number of people you trust: I could count them on one hand.
Number of CD's I own: Ha. I'm a pirate.
Number of piercings: A big fat 0. I do however, want my labret pierced.
Number of tattoos: 2, 3 within the next month. Still trying to decide on something that represents who I am, and where I come from.
Number of times been on T.V.: As far as I know, 0.
Number of times in the newspaper: A few when I was in school.
Number of scars on my body: I don't think this applies.
Number of things in my past that I regret: Again, does this really apply? I regret alot of things...too many to count on my fingers and toes.

			SEPTEMBER 23 to        October 22 Sign: Libra Name: Scales Ruler: Venus
	General Advice Get ready for some romance, and spending the year having the time of your life! Trials and tribulations of the past cleansed you spiritually, so finally, you are going to have some fun. This year's drama has begun, and has blessed you with an unusual sex appeal. Consider this the Spring of your life, in which you will attract fair weather friends. Your social explorations and activities will take you to exciting and far off places. Allow yourself to indulge in everything forbidden. This year is full of luck, fun and realized fantasies. Libra Attributes Qualities=Cardinal, Airy, Masculine Zones=Reins The Sun in Libra You love the arts, and cultural pleasures. You dislike hassles, drudgery and dirty work. Peace, beauty and harmony are major parts of your life. You are a natural peacemaker, but you are also a perfectionist at heart, where you are unhappy when placed into areas of conflict. You are sensitive to the needs and conditions of your friends and family. You are generally looked at as being, charming, easy-going and agreeable.

I'm apparently single now.

Fucking bullshit.
Great.

Maybe now i'll actually get laid at least once a week.

EDIT: We're back together, AND i'm getting laid.

( Lookies! )

So, I neglected to mention to everyone that I have a very important appointment the 24th of this month.
Where you may ask?
To a place called Tri-City Mental Health.
I felt within myself that it was/is time for me to seek attention for my depression. Not just my depression, but my suicidal thoughts and/or tendencies.
I know that the chances of becoming an impatient at this facility are high, but i'm going to take my chances due to my ever increasing state.
I hope that they recognize my problems, as much as I have, and put me on a medicine that I will benefit from, not some medicine that will make my condition worse.
I just have to put faith in God that he'll guide the Psychiatrist to make the best decision.

So yeah, just a small update.

( Pictures! )

So, I won't see Lisa until 9:30 tonight, and it'll be this way every Monday and Wednesday until early May.
I don't want to be pessimistic and say that this is going to put a strain on our relationship, so i'm going to say that I believe that we've been through enough to endure the sacrifices of us both attending school.
Perhaps this is what we needed, to help dampen the arguments we have/had been having for such a long time. Then again, maybe this is going to push us apart, and leave us both, empty-armed and alone.

I have faith in this relationship.
I'm going to keep telling myself that, as corny as it may sound, but in my heart I know Lisa's the only one for me. Mastered by the hands of God and put in my arms for all eternity.

I love you, Lisa...

-Heather

[ Monday's & Wednesday's ]

English Composition II : 9.30am - 10.50am
Intermediate Algebra : 11.00am - 12.20pm

[ Tuesday's & Thursday's ]

Fundamental's of Speech : 11.00am - 12.20pm
Intro. to Sociology : 6.30pm - 7.50pm

Baby tell me where'd you ever learn
To fight without sayin' a word
Then waltz back into my life
Like it's all gonna be alright
Don't you know how much it hurts

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

Maybe I still don't understand
The distance between a woman and a woman
So tell me how far it is
And how you can love like this
'Cause I'm not sure I can

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

Me @ the bowling alley with Lisa...

( ...and she's still the one )

So yeah,

There's going to be a friends cut.
The first one i've ever done.

If you want to stay, and read all my interesting news. (ha ha)
Then fill this form out...

Name ;
Why did you add me? ;
Have we ever had a conversation? ;
Do you truly want to stay? ;

<font size="-2"> <b>Name ;</b> <b>Why did you add me? ;</b> <b>Have we ever had a conversation? ;</b> <b>Do you truly want to stay? ;</b></font>

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind
Seems as like everybody is breaking up
and throwing their love away
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say...

Nobody gonna love me better, I'm gonna stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I'm gonna stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I'm gonna stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I'm gonna stick wit u

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride, in our private lives
Ain't nobody gettin' in between
I want you to know that, your the only one for me

Nobody gonna love me better, I'm gonna stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I'm gonna stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I'm gonna stick wit u my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I'm gonna stick wit u

And now, ain't nothing else I can need
And now, I'm singing.. 'cause your so, so into me
I got you, we'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you, baby you're with me

So don't cha worry about
people hanging around
they ain't bring us down
I know you, and you know me
and that's all that counts
So don't cha worry about
people hanging around
they ain't bring us down
I know you, and you know me
and that's why, that's why I say

Nobody gonna love me better, I'm gonna stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I'm gonna stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I'm gonna stick wit u my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I'm gonna stick wit u

Red has come to be associated with extreme emotions like passion and anger. And indeed, people with a red aura often experience love and rage more strongly than others on the aura spectrum. Although they do have strong personalities, reds aren't just great balls of fire. They usually find a way to channel their feelings and express them physically. They tend to be extremely grounded in the body and prefer to work with their hands. They get a lot of satisfaction from completing tasks with tangible results--building sets for the school play, moving furniture around a room or fixing a car, for example. As you can imagine, these down-to-earth types value action over thought or abstract ideas.

If you are a realistic person who appreciates the sensual side of life, then you may be surrounded by a red aura.

So, Lisa and I have been having some problems. Not the minor ones, but the ones that can break a happy couple up. It just seems like we can't get over the stress of everything, but I believe in my heart we will make it. I love this woman, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I "married" her, and in my heart, I know she's the only one for me. She just does something to me. Something that you can't explain, and if you try it comes out utterly and completely wrong. I think that often I forget to thank her for all the things she's done for me. I lose sight of what's truly important...our love. Our wonderful, sublime, tremendously overwhelming (in a good sense) love. I fell for her the moment I heard her voice, as corny as that may sound, it's true. Nearly two years later, I am still falling in-love with her, and I honestly, don't see any end in sight for me to stop falling. She and I have surpassed everyones ideations about us. We have became something that not even she nor I ever thought was possible. And even though we bicker and argue, we still fall back into one another. As if we magnetize to eachother. It's absolutely wonderful.

On my ride home this morning, from taking her to catch the train to work, I heard a song that spoke to me. Even though it's a country song, the words are truly perfect...Here are the lyrics...

"I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide
Bills on the table gettin' higher and higher
They just keep on comin', theres no end in sight
I'm just holding on tight...
I've got someone who loves me more then words can say
And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still hard to find faith..

But if you look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me believe

Its just day to day tryin' to make ends meet
What id give for an address on easy street
I need a deep margarita to help me unwind
Leave my troubles behind...

I used to believe in us
When times got tough
Lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave you just might make
Oh, you just might make me
You just might make me believe"

So,

I'm beginning to understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed in every aspect.

"Everything changes, if I could turn back the years..."

I wish I could control time.
I would turn back the years to all the mistakes that I've made.
I would get rid of all my regrets, and maybe then, I would know my self-worth.
Maybe then, I wouldn't be so disheartened towards people.
Maybe I would be stable enough to be a good asset to my relationship with you, Lisa.

So many maybes, but the truth remains, I have to live with these ghosts.
I have to live with these memories.
I have to bare the pain that has made its home in my soul.

But, honestly, how wonderful would that be?
To have the ability to take hold of time, and control it.
Control your time on Earth, and what you do with that time.

I feel as if i'm stumbling through life, like a drunkard.
Like someone with no direction or aim.

I see my goal, I see what I want, but I just can't seem to grasp hold of it, and not let go.

My heart is so full of hate. Hate for the people that have made me what I am.
The PERSON that destroyed any chance of happiness I had.

Does he live with this pain?
Does he know what he has done to me?
Does he think about what he done?

No. I don't believe he does.
I don't believe that he feels any type of sorrow for me.
I want to murder him.

But what does murder bring?
More pain?
More anguish?

I just don't think I can do this anymore.
I'm beginning to embrace the idea of another life.
Another beginning.

"Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep right
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine
Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend you strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a live uncommon
I've heard you anguish
I've heard you hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
set down you chains, until only faith remains
Set down you chains
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lent your strength to that
which you wish to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon
There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear out voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom
Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live
And lend out voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend out strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...
Lend out voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lent out strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon"

Everytime I hear this song I feel uplifted. I feel exhilarated. Why you ask?
Because it speaks to my soul.
It speaks to my mind.
I hear more then the words she's speaking, I hear her message.
The message that was truly meant to be heard.
Freedom...
We take it for granted.
We abuse it.
We fight for it, but...
Are we truly free?

Freedom is defined as...
1. The condition of being free of restraints.
2. Liberty of the person from slavery, detention, or oppression.
3. The right of enjoying all of the privileges of membership or citizenship: the freedom of the city.

While there are many definitions of what freedom "truly" is, I feel these 3 express the message i'm trying to exemplify in this post.

The first definition states that freedom is the condition of being free of restraints.
While many of you live life without restraints, some of "us" must be limited to what we can enjoy in this citizenry.
Must I list examples? Or can you grasp the idea?

I'll list one example. One very controversial example.
Marriage.
GAY MARRIAGE.

Yes, one RIGHT, that not even the common gay taxpayer can enjoy.
I'm so sorry to all you blubbering fools of the senate who can't grasp the fact that two consenting adults should enjoy the liberties like a common heterosexual couple. Moreover, you can't even grasp the fact that by allowing gay marriage does not equal the end of the world nor Armageddon.</sarcasm>
Simple-minded bastards.

Onto the second definition. "Liberty of the person from slavery, detention, or oppression."
Loaded isn't it?
Not really.
Oppression eh?
Oppression is defined as feeling heavy weighed in body and MIND.

The whole gay community is oppressed because of the pretentious asshole we have in office.
He fights for freedom in other countries, and yet forgets about his own.
America is supposed to be the Land of the Free, yet only a certain group of citizens is truly free.
While a whole community is persecuted for loving someone of the same sex.
He calls us sinners, yet he kills innocent people that didn't know anything but killing.

TEACH THEM.
The Bible says...
"Teach me, and I will hold my peace; Cause me to understand wherein I have erred." - Job 6:24

We mustn't forget the last one now.
"The right of enjoying all of the privileges of membership or citizenship: the freedom of the city."
Have I not covered this? (see above)

I have nothing more to say. I was just deep in thought, and felt the need to get it off my mind and heart.

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting